Dinnertime Humor

My Facebook exploded this weekend, I don't know about yours.

In discussing this over family dinner on Sunday, I decided to share my favorite status that I read, posted by my cousin. I pulled it up on my phone and read it aloud:

"The American people have been served a great justice this week and we are a stronger people for it. My heart is full and I will proudly tell my children and their children how I lived in a time where wrongs were righted and brave people stood on the right side of history. In short, thank you, Disney, for banning selfie sticks."

I looked up, excited to see everyone's reactions. Logan and Michael had stopped paying attention by the second sentence. Brandon too. Natalie was still waking up. Stephanie and Craig chuckled. Stephen's parents blinked at me.

"Isn't that funny?" I prompted.

"They don't get it," Stephen said. He shook his head. "Read it again."

I did. This time Natalie gave a little laugh.

"So do you get it this time?" Stephen asked his parents, who were still looking blankly at me.

"I just....it's crazy, the way this world is going," Mama Shimp said.

"Okay, but do you get what he was doing, with that status?" Stephen said. He grabbed the phone. "You don't get it, because you probably weren't on Facebook this weekend. But seriously every other status was something like that, but talking about gay marriage."

"Oh, I heard about the new bill, I know that's what you're talking about. I get it." Mama Shimp did not get it.

"No. Diane." Craig tried to jump in to explain and got interrupted by Mike.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, now I'm going to sound really naive here....but what I don't get is, what is a selfie stick?"

The whole table erupted with forehead smacks, groans, and cries of "A selfie stick?? Oh my gosh, DAD!"

"I know what that is!" Mama Shimp cried excitedly. "Mike! You are old!"

Once everyone knew what a selfie-stick was, we had to then explain that Disney just banned selfie-sticks.

"Okay, but," Mama Shimp frowned, "What does that have to do with gay marriage?

"It's just funny," Stephen said feebly. "It doesn't really have to do with that. He was trying to make it sound like he was talking about gay marriage, but then you get to the end and realize he's talking about selfie sticks at Disney parks, and it's funny."

Jokes aren't usually funnier when you have to explain them. Usually, they just kinda turn lame. But in this case, I think it was the opposite. The joke was much funnier after our half-hour explanation of it.

The Perks of Puppies

I'm probably going to get shot for saying this, but I don't really like pets.

Snakes are pretty much my ideal pet - quiet, cool to watch, hold-able, low maintenance, and unique. But they are also expensive and sometimes you have to feed them real live mice.

Birds are too screechy. Or too messy. Or too singy. Or too pecky. Also, I strongly react to their deaths. When Blueberry died, I went to kindergarten and didn't get off the bus. The busdriver dropped everyone off and then had to walk all the way back to find me still in my seat, staring out the window, when my friend told the teacher I was still on the bus and didn't want to come out. Then when Mandy got a tumor in her butt and keeled over one day, it was even more depressing! I don't think I could handle another bird death.

Hamsters are too stinky and too messy, and one time Stephen's family had a hamster who chewed off it's own feet, so no thanks.

Frogs are cute! But they don't live very long and one time I watched a documentary in third grade about how a lot of frogs are being born with mutations because of pollution?? And it traumatized me for life.

I literally dreamed of having a horse when I was little. Or at least horseback riding lessons! I would have even settled for my stuffed animal horse that I slept with and played with until middle school kinda liked coming to life every once in a while, but it was not to be. Anyway, horses are big animals, and as we all know, the bigger the animal, the bigger the poop. Plus, they are butt-expensive and can step on you.

Cats - oh my gosh, where do I begin. Too stinky. Too offensive to my family's allergies. Too selfish. Too hairy. Too cuddly when you want to be left alone and too un-cuddly when you want to cuddle. Too temperamental. Too demanding. Too scratchy and snotty. I never like cats.

Except this baby kitten was okay. I loved it, while at the same time realizing I probably wouldn't like it when it grew up. 

Dinosaurs are extinct.

Babies are cute, but they will be cuter later. When Stephen has graduated.

Camels - watch out, they spit.

And dogs. They may be man's best friend, but they also require a lot of attention and are very expensive. I don't like picking up someone else's poop (hence, why I haven't had a baby yet), and I don't like getting licked.

But this weekend, we got to babysit a dog who was just the most perfect dog ever, and now....{I kind of want one.}

The dog in question belongs to our couple friends, Jenn and Justin. And here are 10 things you need to know about this weekend with her:

1. She was a little bit of a cone-head. But she didn't seem to notice! And pretty soon, I didn't really notice either.

And also, the cone fit on sleeping humans, so I actually really enjoyed that about her.

2. She barely ever barked. This is a big deal because as you may recall, I like quiet animals.

3. She didn't like riding a scooter. Actually, she didn't try. She got off as soon as we put her on it. But I'm assuming that means she wouldn't have liked it.

4. She never once peed on the carpet. She did poop on someone's yard. And I didn't pick it up. #baddogmom

5. She pranced. Some dogs are boring and they just walk around, but Claire is like a princess / dog / gazelle and there is no better word for what she did. She is a prancer!

6. She ran pranced up to me after every single three - or more - minute separation! She was so happy to see me all the time! Plus, she was always there to cuddle with me. Which was perfect since she weighs, like, 10 lbs. I sat her on my lap and facebooked and she didn't mind one bit. I have never been so appreciated in my life!

7. My dad snored very loudly. Claire started growling every time he snored and it was so hilarious.

8. We took her on a few walks and it was the best. The best! She wasn't needy about it, just happy about it. And since it was pretty nice weather, I was also happy about it.

9. She didn't hate Stephen. One time we met this dog who hates all the men and boys, and she snarled and barked at Stephen every time she re-noticed his presence. While it was kind of hilarious, I would never want a dog who hates my husband.

10. She isn't the best jumper. I thought she was, so I tried to get her to jump out of the car, and she fell on her face! I felt terrible and kept trying to hug her and make up for it, but she forgot about it immediately. And she still loved me. I'm telling you, this dog was all WWJD e'er day. She is such an inspiration.

So yeah if anyone could clone this dog and give her to me, I would greatly appreciate it. And if you want to also pay for all the expenses and just let me play with her and love her, then she would really be a perfect pet. Thanks Jenn and Justin! You guys and Claire have changed my life.

Spaceshimps

Hello. My name is Heather, and I have a thing for free food. Free anything, really....but especially free food. I am just such a college kid when it comes to free food. Here are some things I have done for "free" food:

-missed a class

-or, like, 4

-liked groups on facebook

-shared things on facebook

-sat through an ILP meeting 

-sat through a Vivint meeting (not my proudest moment)

-sat through a hymn fireside

-gone to a Google Fiber switch-to-us meeting

-every time I went to Ward Prayer in my singles wards was either for the free food or for a boy, okay I admit it

-driven all the way out to my school in West Jordan, while I am off-track, on the day of Parent-Teacher conferences for the other tracks, because I knew they would serve dinner to the teachers right after school and I was not about to miss that

-worked for free as a Disney College Campus Rep for 3 semesters because once every semester my favorite man, John, would come out to Utah and take us all to Goodwood and it is delicious there

-worked for basically free as a teacher. Also I feel fulfilled and I like working with kids, but every time there's a holiday, I get some delicious food on my desk and that is a perk if I ever saw one. 

Anyway, I had a really great experience with free food last night that I would like to tell you about. It was a movie night at UVU. The movie was "Gravity," and the food was popcorn, chips, candy bars, peanut M&M's, and soda. I. Was. In. Heaven. 

They also gave us a free book and let us take home the inflatable star chairs we sat on! So even though I got very stressed out watching that movie and crushed Stephen's plans of us going to space one day (why would I ever do that. Not interested.), it was a fantastic night.