Nata-loo

We had a birthday (shout hooray) this weekend. My sister-in-law Natalie turned into an adult! Technically, her birthday was on Saturday, but we celebrated today. Would you like to celebrate with us? Good. You can sit there and observe.

While Natalie takes a nap upstairs, the rest of us Mama Shimp arranges the gifts on the kitchen table. Four matching black-and-white chevron bags, 3 matching pink bags, and one blue bag from Stephen and I. Then she sets about the much harder task of gathering everyone in. 

"Logan, Michael, get Heather up." I'm napping on the couch and get a rude awakening when Stephen sticks his tongue in my ear. I'm very emotional in those first waking moments and almost start to cry. 

"Michael! Logan! Stop that. Leave each other alone. Come in here."

They come in and start fighting over a chair. 

"Okay, stop. Michael, would you go get Natalie?"

He goes upstairs. "Mike! Stand up, come on. We all need to be standing around the table."

"Stephen!" (He's studying in the family room.) "Stephen. Come in here, we need to all be standing around the table."

Michael comes back downstairs. 

Mama Shimp fusses over the presents. "Okay, okay! Stephen!"

Stephen makes his way in and pours himself a drink. My face fell asleep during my nap, and while this is all happening, I'm freaking out because I think that a chunk is somehow missing off of my forehead. I wander pathetically over to Stephen and tell him "I need you to pay attention to my face for, seriously, five seconds. There's something that's like, wrong with it. Like, something is wrong. Just look at it, am I okay?" He massages my temples and says I look fine. Natalie does not appear. 

"Michael....where's Natalie? Logan. Will you go get your sister. No, Michael. Michael! Stay here!" 

Logan and Michael both sprint off for the stairs. 

"Mike, stand up. Stephen, over here. Heather. Are you....what are you doing? Are you not feeling well?" 

I'm poking at my forehead, and I feel a little bit like crying. "I think something's really wrong with my face. Like something happened to me. I don't know," I explain. 

"Maybe it fell asleep during your nap? Try putting your head down by your knees, and letting the blood rush to your head."

I try it. It's very good advice and I start to feel better almost immediately. Meanwhile, the boys are back. Michael picks up the lighter and plays with it for about 30 seconds before Mike takes it. Folds his arms. Grips the lighter tightly. Starts playing with it himself. Natalie still hasn't arrived. 

Mama Shimp is starting to get frustrated. "You guys, where is Natalie?! Brandon, will you - no no. Mike. Go upstairs and get Natalie, please. Brandon, stand up!"

"Why are you whispering?" Brandon asks.

"Because, I want it to be a surprise!"

"That's right," Mike jumps in. "She has no idea it's her birthday!" He smiles charismatically all around the table and suddenly Natalie shows up. Acts surprised. (She knows how birthdays work.) Everyone gasps and smiles and "Happy Birthday!"s in a disorganized kind of mumble. 

"Happy birthday!" Mama Shimp says brightly, grabbing Mike by the elbow to make him stand. "You guys, everybody let's sing." She reaches for her camera and we all start to sing. 

Most of us sing like normal people, except me and Logan. I still feel groggy and probably sound like a zombie. Logan still feels like he's not getting enough attention and sounds like he's trying out for the opera. But like, the clown opera. His knees bend unrealistically with each word, and his voice reaches a shrillness only achieved after years of careful study and practice. 

The rest of us kind of trail off until it's only Mama Shimp, trying to sing normally, and Logan, trying to sing abnormally. "I can't wait for him to see this video when he gets older," Stephen says, and we all feel a little better as we consider how wonderful that day will be. 

Everyone scoots in for a picture at Mama Shimp's request. Logan pulls his shirt up, puts it back down, makes a face, gets in trouble. We smile and take the picture.

We suddenly realize that the candles on the Cheesecake Factory cheesecake were never lit. Crisis! This birthday is ruined! Mike flicks the lighter about 50 times; it finally lights and the birthday is saved! All 18 candles are lit and Natalie poses for a string of pictures. By the time she poses for the "I'm blowing out my candles" pictures, the candles have all but melted.

Natalie pulls out a card and starts reading the sweet message inside. Stephen grabs a Sharpie and puts a dot on Michael's neck. Michael flails his arms in protest.

".....Love, Stephanie, Craig, Heather, and Stephen," Natalie finishes.

I frown. "That's not my card," I say. I wrote an actual note to her in a different card.

Natalie laughs: "I know how these cards work," she says. "If you're not here, your name gets signed anyway." She reaches for another card and starts to read that one. Michael and Logan start to pluck the candle stubs out of the cake, one by one, and lick the frosting off of them. It's a race to see who can collect more candles. When they're done, they each choose a candle and poke it back in the frosting for more.

All the cards have been read. Natalie opens the present from Stephen and I first, which makes me feel very honored :) Mama Shimp records me explaining why we got Poo-pourri for the birthday girl.

Natalie starts to open her second present and Michael and Logan poke their heads under her arms. The tissue paper ruffles and then quiets down as Natalie pushes her brothers away. "Okay, stop touching me. Stooooop. Touching me." The boys back off. Stephen follows them sneakily with a Sharpie and starts pretending to write on their necks.

The second present is some beautiful black heels. "I fell in love with these!" Mama Shimp tells her, grabbing one. "And the lady behind me in line loved them too."

"I love these!!" Natalie exclaims. I love them too, in my head.

"But then I realized, you already have like 3 pairs of black heels," Mama Shimp continues.

"That's true, I do have a lot of black heels...."

"So maybe I'll just keep these for me." Pause. "And we can go pick out some different ones for you tomorrow?" Natalie agrees. She already has some shoes in mind that she wants.

Natalie opens a third gift: Vera Wang "Princess" perfume. "Okay now....we kind of have a problem with this, because I got it at Kohl's, and they forgot to take it out of the box. So, Dad's going to have to break into it." Mama Shimp is laughing as she says this, but she's serious. Mike takes the box over to the island and starts sawing at the box with a knife.

Somehow in the midst of this, Michael has ended up on Stephen's shoulder. Brandon is following him around with the lighter.

"No please! Plea-he-he-he-hease!!" Michael cries earnestly.

"Dude, relax," Stephen says comfortingly. Brandon flicks the lighter behind Michael's ear.

"Oh, shoot!" Brandon laughs, pretending that he lit Michael's hair on fire. "No, seriously, dude, hold still." Michael squirms spastically, pummeling Stephen's back with his tiny fists.

"Oh, that's really nice," Mama Shimp says with a disapproving look. "You guys, stop it. We're trying to celebrate your sister's birthday."

Stephen puts Michael back on the ground and Logan calls everyone's attention to the perfume, which is almost free from it's plastic prison. Mike finishes cutting, grabs the warped plastic.....and burns his fingers on it.

Natalie spritzes some of the perfume on her wrist to test it out, sniffs it, and smiles. "Ooooh," she says. "I like it!" Mama Shimp grabs her hand to smell it, too. Brandon meanders over and suddenly snaps his head back in alarm. "Oh, I don't like that," he says firmly.

"Wait, you don't?!" Mama Shimp sniffs again. "Oh no. If a boy doesn't like it....smells are just so hard, you know?" Another whiff. "Do you - Stephen, come smell this. Do you like it?"

Stephen smells Natalie's wrist. "Yeah, I like that," he says.

"No. Oh, no." Mama Shimp is not happy with that response. "This is $35 perfume, if boys just like it, that's not good."

"Mom, it's fine, I like it. That's a good smell," Stephen reassures her.

"Okay but, if you were dating a girl, and she wore that perfume, would you like, think it was okay, or would you want to marry her? Just so you could smell it all the time?"

Stephen looks confused; Natalie looks amused. "Is that what we're going for here?"

Mama Shimp grabs her wrist and smells it again. "We can return it," she decides. "Unless you love it?"

"It's a little mature," Natalie admits. "We can go pick out another one."

Stephen, Michael, and Logan apparently got bored during this crisis, and are now wrestling in the living room. Michael gets a dead leg and rams his head angrily into a chair in response.

Mama Shimp cuts the cheesecake and starts serving it up. Michael and Logan run over and each grab a slice. Brandon isn't ready for dessert yet, so he goes into the living room and tries to flop down on the couch. He somehow ends up rolling around on the ground in pain. We look over at him in confusion. "Dude, I just like....knocked the wind out of myself," he moans, grabbing at his stomach. "Ahhh, man."

The cheesecake is the most beautiful dessert any of us has ever seen. It's all chocolate and peanut butter and Oreo cookies and chocolate chip and heaven all whipped up into a perfectly-layered work of art. Stephen and I share a slice and barely finish half of it.

"Hey stop!" Brandon suddenly says. "Everyone listen."

*Fart*

We all regret stopping to listen.

The birthday comes to an abrupt end when the boys all finish their 3 bites of cheesecake and leave their plates to kill each other again.

"I hate when they get like this," Mama Shimp laments. Then grabs my phone and tries to take a video. 

Random Summer Happenings

So I am one of those people who LOVES year-round school. I also blab about how great it is, to anyone who asks. It is one of my favorite things about my job.

Except in July. July is the part where everyone else is halfway through their summer and halfway through their tan, and I am just starting my summer while also about to end my summer. In my school, teachers get 2 weeks off, then go back to school to set up our classrooms and sit in meetings. Kids come back after the third week.

(Secretly I still kind of like this, because I don't feel like I need a huge long summer if it means fewer breaks throughout the year. But I like it in kind of a hateful way. Like I like it, but I hate it. It's a love-hate kind of a feeling.)

Anywho, here are some random pictures of things I squeezed into my summer:

1. Shimp family reunion! We stayed at the Westgate Hotel in Park City, which was really fun in and of itself, and also put us close to Olympic Park. Our first room was about the size of my living room. (I'm not kidding.) There was one pull-out couch bed, one king-size bed in a private part of the room behind some pocket doors, and a shower that we couldn't figure out how to operate.

Being in such close quarters for 10 minutes made everyone go a litttttle bit crazy. Brandon trapped Logan in the sauna shower. Logan started screaming that he couldn't breathe. Stephen mooned his brothers. Michael commented that at least the view wasn't bad and we all got confused because the window looked out on some cement stairs. Mama Shimp sent us out to the car to bring everything in, and texted us to not forget the  marshmallow sticks so we could roast marshmallows.

When we had cleared out the car and brought everything into the eensy-weensy room, the Shimp parents went downstairs to get a different room and Stephen and I took the kids to the pool. We came back just in time to help move everything to the other room, which was on another floor and in another section of the hotel. This room was awesome!! It had some quirks, but at least we were all able to recover our sanity in here.

The main quirk was the bathroom. It was a huge bathroom, with a double vanity, sauna shower, jacuzzi tub, and obviously a toilet.....and a window looking in on the bathroom from the master suite. When I say window, I don't mean a dinky little thing with frosted glass. I'm talking about a 5'x5' hole in the wall that you could climb through and you'd wind up in the tub. From window to wall, the bathroom was set up like this: tub, shower, toilet. So the toilet tried to hide, but when you took a seat, you'd be staring into the mirror over the double vanity. And whatever that mirror showed also conveniently reflected off the mirror next to the tub, so no one got too much privacy during this trip.

*Pictures soon to come of this anomaly of a bathroom.*

One time, someone - who will remain anonymous - fearlessly tried to take a dump in these conditions. Then some cousins came to visit.

"Wow, it's really nice in here!" they said.
"Look at all this space!" they exclaimed.
"You guys got a cool room!" they said.
"Oh yeah, except the bathroom has a window in it," Logan said. "You guys have got to see this." And he led them back to the bathroom.

Locked. So he led them into the master bedroom to show them the window.

"What??" they said.
"Why would anyone put this here?" they wondered.
"Oh, hi Stephen," they said. And continued to stand there marveling at the bathroom with a window in it.

While we were there, we roasted marshmallows, swam, played ping-pong, went to Olympic Park, had a baby shower for Stephen's aunt who is our age, and went to lots of things for Stephen's cousin's wedding.

We went on the drop tower at Olympic Park in Park City!

My other favorite part about staying in this room was the sleeping arrangement. Stephanie and Craig got back from a different vacation just in time to spend a night in the hotel, and Natalie got back from a student council retreat on the same night, which meant that 3 more people had to fit in. It was quite an adventure trying to find spots for everyone! 

In the end, the parents and Natalie slept in the bed, Stephanie and Craig slept on the worst couch-bed I have ever felt, Stephen and I slept on our sides squished on the couch, and Logan and Michael made beds out of pillows and blankets and slept on the floor. Brandon started out on the padded bench at the kitchen table, but that got old after about 5 minutes, so he came in and started gathering up bits and pieces of Logan and Michael's beds to make one for himself. Obviously that didn't go down too well. At first, Stephen and I didn't have a pillow, and Logan was highly frustrated when Stephen tried to take one of his five, but eventually it all worked out. 

Until someone farted and Logan almost had a meltdown, but then things got quiet again!

Until Brandon started to feel like "dude I'm seriously either about to throw up or poop for like 5 minutes straight dude, I'm not even kidding," and Logan just about lost his Shimp telling him to be quiet.

Okay and then things were pretty much quiet until poor Brandon got uncomfortable again.....and you guys, I don't even know what happened, I'm pretty sure he just ended up sleeping on the floor with no blankets or pillows or anything. 

Through all of this, I could not stop laughing! And Stephen didn't help because I was trying to be considerate by laughing silently into his shoulder (which was jammed in my face anyway because remember we were both trying to sleep on a skinny little couch), but every time I started to calm down, he would start shaking like he was laughing, just to get me to laugh again. It just reminded me so much of that scene in Snow White, where all the dwarves give her their beds, and then they have to find a place to sleep, so they all go in cupboards and tea cups and fireplaces. 

#2. Jackie's wedding. Stephen's cousin Jackie got married at the end of the Shimp family reunion, so a lot of our activities revolved around that. She and Aaron got married in the Bountiful temple, which I had never been to before, but it was beautiful! 

The wedding reception was a lot of fun. It was at my new favorite venue, the Bungalow. The food was good, Jackie's parents danced the legit tango, there was a photo booth, and I had the cutest dance partner in the whole place. 

We love the Bruners!

It is really hard to get a good picture of a photo booth picture.

I guess the only person who didn't have fun was Logitos, when he didn't catch the garter and he had to get under some coattails. 

#3. Studying. Most of our summer was consumed with studying. Stephen was preparing for the DAT, which he's actually not going to take until next spring / summer, and I was preparing for the Praxis, which I didn't think I needed to study for originally but then I got freaked out when I read some stuff online about it the week before my test. So some of our days looked like this:

PS I just got my scores back and I passed :)

#4. Lagoon. Remember when I won something with 97.1 ZHT, and I got to jump in a big....pen kind of thing full of lucky charms with 20 other people, and somebody won Taylor Swift tickets and everyone else won something a little less cool but still cool? Well I won Lagoon tickets that day! Stephen and I went with Natalie and Brandon, and it was so much fun. 

#5. Stephen's birthday! I already blogged about the most interesting part of that, but I also want to share a few pictures here.

In our house, errbody gets to wear a crown on their birthday, even the boys. 

I made him this delicious (kinda yellow) breakfast and was very proud of myself.

Remember the candles I got that were a 2 and a 6? I tried to redeem myself here. 

This "cake" was amazing! It was basically a peanut butter chocolate cheesecake. You can find the recipe here.

#6. We erm......broke our scale.

I literally don't even know how this happened. I just walked in to find it like this. Stephen said he just nudged it and it shattered into a million pieces.....but I mean why?!

#7. Mob. We love Moab because, well, because it is Moab, and also because it was where we took our first mini-vacation together! This time, we went with Stephen's family. We found a cool little lake that I'm assuming was man-made, rented some paddle-boards, hiked to the Delicate Arch, and did a few other mini-hikes.

We were unaffected by the Dad-Bod trend, thankfully. 

#8. Lady A and Hunter Hayes!!! (And Sam Smith but no one really cared about him. #rude? Maybe, sorry.) Caitlin won tickets to all the shows this summer, and even though Stephen meanly rejected her Toby Keith tickets, since he hates country, she was still nice enough to take me to Lady Antebellum. We fangirled it up and I'm now even more obsessed with Hunter Hayes than I was when Stephen picked his song for our first dance.

Um, we were pretty excited.

Sorry that my phone camera is not the best TERRIBLE, but that is Lady A. I thought they were in love, but actually, the girl is just in love with the drummer in the band. And the boy lead singer who is tall and way better-looking than his poor brother that let him live in his basement years ago and came onstage to sing because he LIVES IN UTAH so why not, is actually married to someone else who had fertility struggles but is now pregnant. (Where would we be without Google, amiright.)

And there's Hunter Hayes! Stephen said that if he pulled me onstage and kissed me that would be cheating. So I guess that will never happen. 

Lady A came out into the audience! They were right at the end of our row and it was so great.

#9. Babay shower! So many baby showers. So many, guys. I guess it's just the phase of life I'm in. I love it because baby clothes are fun to buy, especially baby shoes. Ahhhh I die every time!! Anyway, the only one I got a picture at was Christine's.

#10. Back to school!

Here was my first day of school bulletin board! I'm still doing a circus-themed classroom, as you can tell.

And now I'm in Week #2 of my first 3-week break of the school year. We just got back from galavanting around the West coast, and I'm working on those blogs now too. Howwwww was everyone else's summer!?

When Boys Watch the Bach

They say some funny things. Over the course of this season, the Shimp ladies (and one Lively lady) had gotten to the point where we were a leetle done with those comments, and we were thrilled to just have a girls' night with the finale. We got our root beer floats, popped our popcorn, and set up on the couch 60 minutes after the show started so we could watch with no commercials.

Then......the men trickled in. And the comments began.

When Kaitlyn and Nick were lounging on a boat, on their date: "Are those two married?"

When Shawn showed up after that: "Hold on, is that the same guy?"

When we explained that no, they're not married, and no, they're not the same person, but rather the same girl dating two different guys: "It's a dating show?.....You like, watch people date?.......Sounds pretty dumb."

When Chris Harrison met Kaitlyn at the mansion: "Is he dating her, too?"

Mama Shimp: Alright bye! We know he chooses [Winner's Name], now you can go to your friend's house.
Logan: No wait!
Mama Shimp: Huh? Honey all that's gonna happen is that he'll walk up and talk, then she'll talk, then he'll get down on one knee, and that's it.
Logan: Well I wanna see them kiss. Push play.

When Kaitlyn started crying....you know, one of the times she did. "This is the dumbest show."

When [one of the guys] said: "You took things from me."
Me: What did she take from him?
Mike: His virginity, I think. Is that it?

When the commercial for Bachelor in Paradise comes on after the finale: "Ooookay, we don't watch that. Come on guys, let's....let's take a break. Bachelor, Bachelorette, that's enough. Just those two. Let's keep it simple. Keep it clean. Just that, we don't need Bachelor in Paradise." (I think he was a little worried.)

Don't worry, we're not Bachelors in Paradise kinda people. And, as much as we love them, we wouldn't require our boys to watch it with us anyway :)

Dinnertime Humor

My Facebook exploded this weekend, I don't know about yours.

In discussing this over family dinner on Sunday, I decided to share my favorite status that I read, posted by my cousin. I pulled it up on my phone and read it aloud:

"The American people have been served a great justice this week and we are a stronger people for it. My heart is full and I will proudly tell my children and their children how I lived in a time where wrongs were righted and brave people stood on the right side of history. In short, thank you, Disney, for banning selfie sticks."

I looked up, excited to see everyone's reactions. Logan and Michael had stopped paying attention by the second sentence. Brandon too. Natalie was still waking up. Stephanie and Craig chuckled. Stephen's parents blinked at me.

"Isn't that funny?" I prompted.

"They don't get it," Stephen said. He shook his head. "Read it again."

I did. This time Natalie gave a little laugh.

"So do you get it this time?" Stephen asked his parents, who were still looking blankly at me.

"I just....it's crazy, the way this world is going," Mama Shimp said.

"Okay, but do you get what he was doing, with that status?" Stephen said. He grabbed the phone. "You don't get it, because you probably weren't on Facebook this weekend. But seriously every other status was something like that, but talking about gay marriage."

"Oh, I heard about the new bill, I know that's what you're talking about. I get it." Mama Shimp did not get it.

"No. Diane." Craig tried to jump in to explain and got interrupted by Mike.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, now I'm going to sound really naive here....but what I don't get is, what is a selfie stick?"

The whole table erupted with forehead smacks, groans, and cries of "A selfie stick?? Oh my gosh, DAD!"

"I know what that is!" Mama Shimp cried excitedly. "Mike! You are old!"

Once everyone knew what a selfie-stick was, we had to then explain that Disney just banned selfie-sticks.

"Okay, but," Mama Shimp frowned, "What does that have to do with gay marriage?

"It's just funny," Stephen said feebly. "It doesn't really have to do with that. He was trying to make it sound like he was talking about gay marriage, but then you get to the end and realize he's talking about selfie sticks at Disney parks, and it's funny."

Jokes aren't usually funnier when you have to explain them. Usually, they just kinda turn lame. But in this case, I think it was the opposite. The joke was much funnier after our half-hour explanation of it.

Whole 30 Week 1 - Still Enthusiastic

So, I'm 1 week into Whole 30.

Seven days. 

An eternity.

Actually, it's not that bad. Truthfully, I am really enjoying it. And I'm not just saying that to trick myself. I've been feeling very strong, and my six-pack is already starting to come in, so that's fast enough results for me to be a believer. 

Here's my basic life:

Sunday, plan the menu. Prep meals for the week that I can prep. Create a grocery list. Look through ads so I can ad match at Walmart. 

Monday - Friday. Err morning, drink a green smoothie. I pre-packaged frozen fruit, flax seeds, and spinach in ziploc baggies in the freezer, and I just throw one of those and some almond coconut milk in the blender. It is so loud and wakes up probably the whole neighborhood and most likely makes our renters hate me. I hope they wear ear plugs or have a loud fan roaring at them all night and they miss it. For lunch, I have leftovers and an apple and lil cutie. I go home after school, we work out at UVU, and then for dinner, we have whatever I planned :) It's a great life.  Here are the challenges I have faced (and overcome!) so far:

- a donut for Coleman's birthday

- crepes for Danielle's wedding reception uhhhhhh they looked so good!

- also the wedding cake but I don't really like wedding cake and this one was green so that wasn't too hard

- lemon cake for dessert on Sunday - that I made, people.

- candy at Alex's house

- all the candy all the time in my drawers at school

- also all the granola bars!!

- soup, bread, chocolate-covered strawberry, and roll at Zupa's when I went with friends on Saturday. I literally picked off the chocolate and ate the strawberry plain'ol

- all the candy at Stephanie's dessert party for her graduation

- also the Nutter Butters there which for some reason looked so freaking good

- also the chocolate fountain. I just ate strawberries and bananas because that was all I could eat!

- the jelly beans we gave our kids on Sunday

- the Reeses peanut butter cups we gave Aleya (one of our girls at church) for her birthday

- the free popcorn at Ace Hardware where we got fertilizer

It was so hard!!! But also, not that hard at the same time. I don't really miss those foods. If I was hungry I think it would be harder, but I've so far been really good at planning meals and prepping them ahead of time, and so I feel full after meals and enjoy what I'm eating, so it's good. It is also easier because Stephen is doing it with me. We follow some rules but not all. 

- white potatoes are technically allowed, but we don't eat them.

- they limit fruit and I'm like I will never limit fruit, thankyouverymuch

- if you want mayonnaise or almond coconut milk, you have to make your own. .........we do not. 

- they say no beans and I'm like that's stupid, and we eat beans. 

- they also don't allow you to make fries / chips out of sweetotatoes or other vegetables, or like pancakes out of bananas and eggs, because that's tricking yourself and psychologically you still feel like you need those foods. But I'm like whatever, if I'm just slicing my sweetotato and putting salt on it and baking it, then I can have these fake chips. 

- apparently peanut butter is also not allowed, and neither are peanuts. But other nuts are so I don't participate in that discrimination. 

- fruit juice isn't allowed but we welcome it into our smoothies.

Full disclosure, I did have a mini-meltdown this week. Natalie had a play on Thursday, so we got a salad at Wendy's, went to the play, and then didn't get home until 10, and then Stephanie graduated on Friday, so we didn't eat either dinner I had planned for that night, either. So I was starving for basically two days in a row, and on Friday, after Stephanie's graduation party, this conversation went down:

me: I'm soooo hungry. 

Stephen: I'm not even that hungry. I just want to go to bed!

me: Can we please go home? I need food. 

Stephen: Let's just stay here, they have food and it's free!

me: I can't eat any of that! I've literally had nothing but strawberries and bananas and I'm starving!

Stephen: I can make you some eggs?

me: I'm just so hungry. 

Stephen: Well, what do you want? 

me: Okay Stephen I am not a rational person right now! Stop talking to me like you're expecting a logical response! I just want food to be in me! Like this isn't good! I'm supposed to eat! I'M STARVING!

Stephen: Okay, so you want me to make you some eggs, or do you want to go home.....?

Me: What did I just say? I WANT FOOD

Stephen: Well I'm just trying to figure out what you want - 

*Me throwing myself dramatically on the bed*

Stephen: Okay! Okay sorry! I'll make you some eggs.

So he made me eggs and bacon and I stopped being a monster. 

Conclusion? If you're going to do Whole 30, get good at saying no. Also, convince your Stephen to do it with you. He is a fantastic support. 

Missing Husband Alert

Stephen is taking a super-butt-hard classload this semester.

It is so hard that he had to get special permission to take all these classes together because normally that's not allowed, so some guys had to look over his grades and interview him and be like "Are you sure you hate yourself, and having fun, that much?" before they signed off on it.

Also, sometimes his classes make me cry, and I'm not even the one taking them. Except one. Kind of. 

So anyway. Sometimes, he needs to take tests that he studies for all week and all weekend and all day Monday before the test closes on Monday night. It is exhausting, and rough trying to get on a consistent sleeping schedule, and stressful....and I can only imagine how he feels.

Here's how to survive when this happens to your husband:

1. Leave a little lunch of leftovers and a nice note about how smart he is when you go to school. Congratulate yourself the entire drive on how considerate you are.

2. Then proceed to text him all day long with important questions like "Do you want to take a sailing trip in Hawaii?" and "There's a Groupon sale that's ending today, is there anything you want?" and "Do you think you'll take your test in time to go get a sandwich between 4-5 at the Corner Bakery?" Really the more texts the better. He craves those little distractions.

3. On your way home, think of a list of things you can do while he is taking his test. Get really excited about all the "me" time you're going to get!

4. Once you are home, make dinner halfway. You can go grocery shopping together for the rest of the ingredients when he finishes his test. Because, of course that's what he'll want to do!

5. Talk to your sister on the phone for an hour and 26 minutes.

6. Now it's a little later than you were expecting him to be home. Looks like you won't have time to go work out. Oh well....this has happened before. Learn how to make a YouTube playlist of all the songs that get you pumped up so you can work out at home.

7. Get caught up watching videos and let an hour and a half slip away while doing that.

8. Look up and pin all the at-home workouts that feature girls with 6-packs in the picture demonstrations. Since, that's the goal.

9. Get embarrassed that the husband is probably going to get home before you even start your workout.....and quickly start.

10. Finish one workout. The husband is still not aqui.

11. The playlist is still not over.....so do another workout.

12. Get a teeny bit annoyed that he's not going to see you working out when he gets home, so choose another one. Still no husband??

13. Google the UVU Testing Center hours. What?? They closed at 5? It is almost 9! Enter into full panic mode.

14. Call Mama Shimp and calmly ask if the husband is over there. He is not. Calmly hang up the phone saying you'll keep her posted.

15. Begin imagining all sorts of fun scenarios like your car sitting in a crumpled mess on the side of the road in just the right spot for no one to see it for hours, terrorists blowing up the testing center, you sitting in a pile of memorabilia sobbing and planning your husband's funeral, etc. It just adds some suspense.

16. Go back to texting and calling the husband incessantly.

17. Or twice, if he picks up the second time. And answers like nothing is wrong.......

18. Almost start crying because you're so glad he's not dead.

19. Discover that the testing center hours are wrong on the Google machine, but correct on the testing center website. Actually, it doesn't close until 9.

20. Swear off Google. It's stupid. I'm never relying on it again!

Moral of the story? Actually there are two. Communication is key, and don't go to college.

Shimps for Dinner

We've been spending a lot of time recently at the Shimp home in Lehi. Aside from my own home growing up, and probably tied with mine and Stephen's home now, this is currently the homiest place in the world to me. Here's what a pretty typical night there looks like.

We walk in without knocking. B is playing some game in the living room. He looks up and smiles at us - he is so congenial - and makes some nice welcoming comment.

M and L are

a. in their room, playing with the geckos.

b. eating, or

c. playing on the computer.

When we get there, Logan usually starts yelling. Something like, "HEY, what are you guys doing here??" [Angry breathing for emphasis] "You don't wanna mess with ME!" [Southernish accent he picked up from who knows where]

Michael usually tries to ignore us until Stephen starts antagonizing him. 

Natalie is 

a. out with her friends. 

b. watching makeup tutorials, or 

c. putting on makeup.

Sometimes we see her right away and she says hi. Sometimes she just stays in her room until she feels like socializing. Sometimes "socializing" starts with her saying "Okay, here's why I kissed a gay guy."

All is generally peaceful. So of course, Stephen has to 

a. pick up an airsoft gun and threaten M&L with it

b. start chasing M or L, or
c. ignore them and start eating.

Today he ate, then attacked Michael with this wooden machete thing, a souvenir from a cruise.

"Stop. It!" screams Michael, squirming in his seat at the computer, trying to keep playing his game. "I'm serious! Heather, make him stop!"

"Dude, I'm just playing, I'm just messing around," Stephen says. This is always hilarious to him.

With the first scuffle to announce our arrival, we settle into our routines. I go upstairs to say hi to Mama Shimp. Today she is feeding peanut butter crackers to Logan. We make it about five minutes into a Lifetime movie before Stephen comes up and attacks me with a metal spring clamp, trying to clamp it on my butt. (What.) I fall off the bed and somehow we wind up with Stephen thumping my collarbone with his knuckle and Logan wrapped around his neck, trying to help me, I think?

Eventually Stephen gets off. "He loves to play with people," Mama Shimp explains happily. I am annoyed. I leave to do laundry. Stephen follows me to tell me how sorry he is for crossing the line and how cute I am. Whate'er.....but I stop being annoyed.

Stephen goes to take a shower. He's obsessed with showering here. He says he can't remember the last time he showered at our house.....uh.

I start doing something on my laptop, or making food in the kitchen. Today it's blogging and Facebook stalking a boy the Jew is going on a date with tonight. Brandon comes over to help me make fun of admire the horrible hairs we find on the Facebook. (He is the perfect little brother).

Eventually it is time for dinner. So, twenty minutes after it's ready, everyone has finally made their way into the kitchen. Mama Shimp is exasperated. "You'd think, because it's food, everyone would want to come in and eat, but no!" We marvel together. Logan punches Michael in the ribs.

Brandon says the prayer and everyone runs around the island in slow-motion franticness. We are too lazy to rush, but everyone's survival instincts have kicked in, telling us that there are lots of competitors for our food. Even though there is plenty, we can't seem to walk in a patient single-file line around the island to fill our plates.

Dinner is always a little different, but it seems like these things must all happen at every dinner, at least once.

- Logan saying "Moooom, can you help me??"
- Michael bringing one or both of the geckos to the table
- Everyone yelling at him to get the animals away from the table
- Logan standing up on his chair and screaming while smacking his own butt
- Brandon telling Logan to "Dude, sit down, freakin idiot"
- Mama Shimp telling Brandon not to say freakin in her house
- Logan falling on the floor / gasping dramatically / running away because he is worried he's not going to get enough food
- Michael complimenting himself on something or sharing some deep thought

i.e., "My up is that I looked good for family pictures today."
also "Rock Obama is our president....wait. Ock Obama? I don't remember!"
and, "Mublicans believe in cutting open babies."
also "It's actually really pretty impressive that I got the part of Romeo, because there's only one person from each class who got it, so."

- Natalie taking a selfie. She is kind of immune to the chaos
- Michael burp-saying something (it's actually quite a talent)
- Stephen and Brandon reminiscing about the last time they played Airsoft
- Mama Shimp sighing that all she wants is one dinner without yelling
- Brandon snapping at Michael to "Stop being so greedy, there are other people who need to eat!" when he goes to get seconds or thirds
- Mama Shimp shushing everyone, putting Padre Shimp on speakerphone, and having him repeat whatever romantic thing he just said to her for everyone to hear
- Someone excitedly forecasting the farts that are about to commence when they notice the slightest amount of cheese in the meal
- Logan asking if there are almonds in this
- Mama Shimp assuring him that there are not
- Logan spotting something that looks slightly like an almond and indignantly accusing Mama Shimp of trying to kill him, since he is allergic.

I don't know if this kind of dinner would be alarming to someone who grew up in a smaller family, because I have only been apart of big families. But it reminds me of my family in a way that makes me love it here.