Monday, June 9, 2014

Oh the Thinks you can Think

I'm not normally big on negativity in my blog posts. I feel like when you start complaining - anywhere really, but especially on the Internet - it just comes across as whining, and you don't get a lot of sympathy, and then people named Anonymous have a field day picking you apart, and even when their snarky comments are riddled with poor grammar, it's not the reaction you were looking for, and that just makes it worse.

But today I am here to say all the controversial, snappy, rude things I have thought over the past week or two that I have not said, for one reason or another. Because I want to say them.

#1. To all the #yesallwomen people: Stop lumping me in with you. I am not afraid that all men are going to kill me. I do not feel like I am constantly sexually harassed and I have never had a problem telling a boy no. I know I've been really blessed, but I have met only a few boys that I didn't like or feel comfortable around and the rest of the time my experience with men has been phenomenal. I like them. I don't want my daughters to grow up thinking that men are the enemy. So let's just knock it off with all the "everyone agrees with me and if they don't make a big deal out of agreeing with me they're just keeping their agreement quiet because they are afraid." Because I'm not afraid, and I do disagree.

#2. To the radio announcer: You know what? You're NOT the supreme model of parenting that everyone else should aspire to. I mean, you're probably fine at it, but that doesn't mean everyone else sucks. And whenever you try to tell stories of people who suck at it, they don't sound all that bad to me, so. Calm down.

#4. To the babbly coworker: Please stop talking about all your deep dark issues from your past. If you don't know my name, then I shouldn't know that you lost contact with one of your sisters for years and that she kept trying to sleep with her boyfriend in high school but your mom kept intervening until your sister became a ward of the state, and then your mom wrote her letters every week. I shouldn't know that you hate your dad with the fire of a thousand suns, and that you refused to talk to your grandparents while your dad was living with them because you were afraid that they would show him pictures of you and your family and that was just unacceptable. And I really don't need to still be hearing about the staple that fell into your drink in January and sent you to three doctors' offices before you felt like your esophagus was no longer in serious jeopardy. Just, I mean, please. Filter.

#6: To the un-friender: This could apply to like 4 people. To be honest, I have been unfriended on Facebook way more times [4] than I can appreciate. In order to de-friend someone, I would have to just be totally uninterested in what they have to say. Like, they never do any updates or cool pictures, and randomly their name will pop up and I'm like do I know this person? And then I'll peruse their page and try to figure out who they are and if I am still baffled by the end of my stalk-sesh and I didn't even come across anything remotely funny / interesting / clever, then I will unfriend them. So to be unfriended by people who I am still interested in stalking is very irritating, and it better stop happening.

#8: To the Ordain Women chicks: This kind of goes along with #1, I guess. Because you are also trying to lump me in with you! Stop it! I'm not marching on Temple Square with you because I don't agree with you, not because I am afraid of the big bad men who dominate me in church meetings. I like cooking and I like nurturing and I feel very equal with my husband, so I'm sorry you hate your life / have unhealthy relationships / don't know how to assert yourselves in meetings / feel under-appreciated because of whatever. If you feel like you need more responsibilities, then you probably aren't doing all that you're supposed to do. There's a lot to be done up in here! Go to the temple or something. It's a church, not a political party.

#9: To the 2nd grader: Sit in the da*n chair. <--Sorry I'm not sorry that I really thought those words. I didn't say them! I just thought them.

#10. To the bug-lovers: I don't love bugs. I actually hate them. And I've got a heart of stone when it comes to killing bugs. I killed 8 yesterday. They were in my house, so I killed them. It's actually okay, because if I went to Africa, then I would be in the house of the mosquitos, and they would try to give me malaria and kill me. So you see, it all evens out. I get to try to kill them if they're in my house, and they get to try to kill me if I go to theirs. It's all about survival of the fittest, and may the best specie win.

#11. To the village idiot: Someone else said it best when we were talking about you and he said, "I feel like they are always like 5 minutes behind in the conversation. Like we'll all be talking, and then we'll move on past one subject, and they'll jump in 10 minutes later and try to talk about that first subject again." And usually, might I add, you are saying the same thing that someone else said. I'm convinced that you don't have many original thoughts. If you're going to regurgitate everything you read or hear, the least you could do is read and listen to things that are interesting or add depth to a conversation. And if that's too much to ask, then please never talk to me again. That is not a hyperbolic request. I literally would be happy to never exchange words with you ever again. And by the way, your hair is stupid.

#12. To the spouse of the village idiot: Listen, I'm sorry that your person sucks so bad. To be honest, I've never really liked them, but you are a different story. I genuinely liked you for the entire time I knew you, until very recently. Now you're just morphing into this weird person who seems upset that you aren't a woman in the 1960's, burning your bra and fighting for something real. Leave me out of your rebellion. It's annoying.

I think twelve rants is enough for now. Don't worry, you're probably not on this list....I'm most likely talking to someone else. I promise a positive post next time, but until then, feel free to vent in the comments. What did you want to say, but you refrained? Refrain no more! Say away! I've got no room to judge.

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