The 3 Sucks of Oahu

We're in the midst of a deep post-vacation slump. Since getting home, we have eaten out fast food 4 times (In'N'Out, Chick-fil-A, Cafe Rio, Krispy Kreme), so clearly we have gone back to our pre-Whole 30 days, and worse. We streamed Honolulu radio stations to our laptops, didn't work out once, got in a fight, and watched 50 First Dates and cried. We are having some bad withdrawals. And to make matters worse, we learned that there is no dental school in Hawaii. 

So now I'm trying to convince myself that it wasn't that great over there. We didn't reallyyy have that awesome of a time. Kinda like how, when someone breaks up with you, you're all "Fine! I never loved you anyway! Loser!" 

That's Hawaii. Hawaii is my stupid ex-boyfriend. 

I planned our trip around the advice of many people - friends, family, Yelpers, Pinterest, and moms of my students. Mostly, I loved everything! But there were 3 things I would not recommend, and so I present to you:

The 3 Sucks of Oahu

1. Dole Plantation. Actually, I don't not recommend this, because it is the only place you can get pineapple dole whip, and that is worth the trip on its own. But the gardens, train ride, and walking tour are not free. Some people (*cough* Aunt Carol) might love the train and advertise it with phrases like "favorite part of my trip," but I think those people are a small part of the population. 

I heard a lot that the Dole Plantation is a tourist trap, but you kind of have to go.....and I guess I agree with that. You have to go with Dole Whip is the best thing ever {even though they give it to you in like a sacrament cup and charge you $6 or something like that}, but that's really all you need to do there. Get in, get your whip, and get out. 

Me too, Jim. Me too.

Margot and Gonzalo rode the train, but Stephen and I didn't. 

2. Polynesian Cultural Center. A lot of people raved about this to us. "It's kind of pricy, but it's amazing!! You have to go!" is what I heard over and over again. So we put it in our plans, even though we were a little apprehensive that any show could be worth $80. 

When we went to the (free) Turtle Bay luau, we were so impressed! It was super-fun, there was tons of audience participation, the food was great (although that did cost $20 which made the whole thing not exactly free), and the fire dancers were awesome. But no one ever talks about it, people just talk about the PCC. So we concluded that the PCC must be like ten times better! And we started to get excited. 

Then we went, discovered that it actually was going to cost us $102, shakily handed over the card, and headed in to the theater, grumping the whole way. $100?? For a show?! This had better be worth it, we grouched, sliding into our seats. 

Then I was annoyed because they don't let you take pictures, and in the middle, they bring out these amazing looking Pineapple Delights and only give them to the people who bought food, and then no one even eats them all the way! I was literally about to pick one up off the floor as we left because it looked like it hadn't even been touched. But I didn't. They also give leis to the luau payers, and some people left their perfectly good leis on their seats when the show was over. I did take one of those home with me.  

The show was good. I don't want to say anything bad about the actors or the music or the performances or even the special effects. And I guess people were right, that it's not like other luaus. It had a story and it was a bit longer. I just want to say, though, that it's not worth $50/person. I think it's mayyybe worth $25/person, but probably more like $15. There are 2,700 seats in the theater, with a minimum of 600 people in the audience every night. And most of those people are paying more than we were, because the food costs like $50 more. That's a lot of money!!

Also they don't let you take pictures and that kind of annoyed me, too. 

I actually feel really sad that the PCC is on this list, but unless you are butt-rich and don't care about money, I would just skip it. 

3. Koko Head Crater Hike. Apparently, Pearl Harbor navy guys train by running up and down this crater e'er day. It was a pretty good workout! There are railroad tracks that just go straight up. It's kind of like someone tranq'ed Stairway to Heaven and killed all the plants, and then called it Koko Head. It didn't help that we went at the sunniest time of day, and Stephen ran ahead, and we were both really sunburned. It also didn't help that I walked like 5 minutes away to fill up our 2-gallon thing of water, and then when I walked back the 5 minutes to the trailhead, Stephen told me he wasn't going to carry our water. {I guess I understand, but still.}

It did help that I counted the steps. Fun fact: there's a bridge in the middle where there's nothing under the railroad tracks and nothing to hold onto on the sides, like a railing or anything, and the last track before that bridge is Step #500. Fun fact #2: I counted exactly 1,000 railroad tracks to the top. 

The view at the top is fine, but I think we cursed ourselves by climbing Stairway to Heaven. Everything after that was just less impressive.

Haha! It was so bright at the top!

Oh who am I kidding. Hawaii is perfect. I love him and we are meant to be together and I'm never going to love anyone else the same way and no one will ever be as good to me and my life is totally ruined now!!